Pain
by I heart Reid 23
Summary: It must have been last night. Reid felt ashamed about what had happened yesterday. Reid was struggling after Maeve's death and after a particular event his cravings get too bad and he turns to drugs again.
1. Chapter 1

He opened his eyes again. Opening his eyes was easy but closing them was hard, especially since she had died.

But today it felt harder to open his eyes than closing them.

He hoped it wasn't because of last night.

He felt ashamed about what had had happened last night and all of yesterday.

It had just been too hard. He couldn't take it anymore.

He had the cravings. He had tried fighting them for a couple of weeks, maybe even a months, now.

He couldn't believe he had actually done it again.

He knew what he had done and how people would react when they had found out he had relapsed. He couldn't let them find out.

'Why had he done it?' Many would undoubtedly ask but to be honest he didn't truly know himself.

**24 hours earlier**

He grabbed a cup and started pouring some dark, sweet coffee.

He hadn't been getting much sleep since she had died. When he did eventually close his eyes he was haunted by visions of her, dying again and again.

That was a disadvantage of his eidetic memory.

He would wake just before the moment Diane shot her, his Maeve. He knew what was going to happen but his brain wanted to remind him what happened just before Maeve died.

He remembered what he had been forced to say and how he had been forced to kiss the witch, Diane's, mouth. She didn't believe the lies he had tried to feed to her.

He had wished he had tried harder to fake loving Diane maybe Maeve would have not died.

Maybe he would have died instead but he would have preferred that.

At least that way he wouldn't be feeling like this.

He hated this feeling.

He hated all the grief and sadness he was feeling.

He hated feeling like this.

He hated feeling the cravings again.

He promised himself that he wouldn't do anything like that again, not after what he had to go through to get off the diladid.

It was drug store heroin. It was hard enough to get off of it.

He knew he couldn't do that again.

It would be impossible to do again.

He just felt so low now.

He finished pouring his coffee and walked over to his desk whilst sipping his coffee.

At the moment he and Hotch were the only ones in the BAU.

He knew it was really early but he couldn't sleep much and he knew at least if he was at work he was doing something productive and something that would keep his mind off Maeve.

Work seemed to do that.

He sat down in his seat and looked at his watch it was 8.30AM.

He knew that most of the rest of the team would come in by 9 or 9.30.

He looked at his pile of files.

He started one of the files on his desk.

He didn't play much attention when Hotch came over.

Hotch tapped him on his shoulder and asked "Do you want to talk?"

Reid looked at his watch and noticed it was only 8.45.

He knew that the rest of the team wouldn't be in for at least 15 minutes.

Reid didn't want to talk to Hotch but he knew Hotch would keep insisting on having a talk with him. Even though Reid knew he would never want to talk.

Especially not to Hotch about Maeve.

No-one would understand what he was feeling.

No-one would understand what he had gone through.

No-one would understand what he was going through.

No-one would ever have a life like Reid.

Reid had just lost his soul mate who he had only met once.

Reid was a recovering drug addict who had been clean for over five years now.

But he still had cravings especially at times like this.

He wasn't the same person who had joined the BAU about a decade ago!

Reid turned around in his seat and faced Hotch and asked "Do I really need to talk to you?"

Hotch knew that Reid wouldn't want to talk but he was surprised by Reid's question.

"Would you rather talk to Morgan or one of the girls?" Hotch asked as Reid turned back to his work.

"I would rather you all left me alone to grieve over Maeve. You don't know what it was like. You will never know what it was like…" Reid mumbled as he got back to one of the pieces of paperwork on his desk.

Hotch heard the comment but decided to ignore it.

"Ok, Reid. We are all here for you to talk to, when you want to speak." Hotch said as he walked back to his office.

Reid was left alone to continue his paperwork.

**With Hotch**

Hotch was worried about Reid, but so was everyone.

Reid hadn't been his usual self since Maeve had died.

Reid had changed.

He was less focused and seemed more on edge and depressed.

Hotch just hoped Reid wouldn't do anything stupid.

He hoped Reid hadn't done anything stupid yet.

He guessed Reid hadn't yet but increasing Reid was becoming worse.

He wasn't sure what he could do but if Reid was denying to speak to him who could he get to speak to Reid?

He thought through all of the team and guessed JJ was the best one to speak to about Reid.

Morgan would be too over protective and would go into the conversation to harshly.

Reid wasn't going to open up to Him or Rossi.

Garcia would be too emotion and probably end up crying or something. He didn't want people to end up in tears.

Reid might talk to Blake but he thought Reid and JJ had a better relationship.

He decided he would speak to JJ about talking to Reid. Maybe she could sort Reid out or at least help him.

**About an hour later**

It was 10 AM before anyone else disturbed Reid.

It was JJ.

"How are you, Spence?" JJ asked sweetly as she put her arm around his shoulders.

"What do you want?" Reid snapped. He knew it most likely had something to do with Hotch.

It seemed to Reid that JJ wouldn't just wonder to his desk unless she wanted to tell him something or she was told to by Hotch.

"Why do you ask me that? You and I are close friends and I am slightly worried about you. I wanted to see how you were." JJ paused. She needed to tell Reid the truth but Reid was never going to open up to her if she did tell him the whole truth.

"Everyone is worried about you Reid. We know what you are feeling. We know that you aren't dealing with this whole thing really well. We are here for you for whatever you need. Are you ok?" JJ asked as Reid took his head out of his paperwork.

"You don't know what I feel. You don't know that I am dealing with this badly or well. I don't care if everyone is worried about me and do you really want to know something, I don't want to deal with this anymore. I don't want to deal with six pairs of eyes looking over me every second of my life. I don't want to be reminded of what happened. I don't want to know that people are worried about. Do you really want to know something? I don't care about anyone else. I don't care about you, Hotch or any of the others. You know what? I don't want to stay here anymore. I'm going to leave this hellhole and quit. I am leaving. Goodbye, JJ." Reid said as he jolted away from JJ.

He grabbed his satchel and got up.

He walked away from his desk and away from his teammates.

He walked out of the BAU headquarters and got to his car.

Even when he heard various members of the team shout his name, he didn't turn back. Nor did he answer to any of them.

He got into his car and drove out of the building not wanting to go home but not wanting to stay at work.

**At the BAU**

Rossi had heard all the commotion coming from the bullpen.

He had assumed Hotch had gotten someone else to speak to Reid.

Everyone knew Reid was let's just say delicate at the moment.

He was very unstable but anyone would be after their girlfriend had died in front of them.

But Reid… He was different.

Reid was a genius whose IQ had never had to deal with any sort of grief like this.

He wanted to be there for the kid but it was just hard to be.

He went out of his office to see what was going on.

He opened his door and saw Reid shouting at JJ.

He saw Reid walk out of the BAU.

Rossi was in utter disbelief.

He had never seen Reid shout at JJ like that.

JJ and Reid were best friends. They were more than that. Rossi didn't know how to describe them.

He saw Morgan get up and try to go after Reid but Reid either didn't notice or didn't care.

He saw Blake and Hotch also go after Reid but Reid did the same.

It was so weird but he could visibly see JJ was in total of shock.

He decided to walk over to her.

"What happened?" Rossi asked JJ as Hotch, Morgan and Blake came back.

"A lot!" Hotch exclaimed as he snuck up behind Rossi and JJ.


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter 2**

**Reid's POV**

I was in my car just driving around. I didn't want to go anywhere particular.

I didn't know what I was going to do.

I couldn't go back to work. I had caused a big scene and I knew I had upset my best friend.

The others were probably looking for me, but I didn't really care.

I knew the whole team had been worried about me but I didn't want them too.

The team had annoyed me and I didn't want to apologize.

I was regretful about what I had said to JJ but I had told the truth.

I didn't want to be a member of the team if all they were going to do was spy on me and worry about me. I didn't need to be worried about.

I didn't want nor deserve to be worried about.

I didn't want to go home to the apartment either. It was full of Maeve. It was full of memories. It was full of nightmares, just like my brain.

I needed to get away from everything.

There was only one thing I knew which would do that for me.

I really didn't want to do it but I knew it was the only way… The only way to get away from the nightmares and the pain. It was diladid.

But I couldn't do it again, could I?

It was the past. It was a mistake. It hurt so bad. It was so hard to get off of. It ruined my life. But it was the only way to forget everything bad.

I'd probably feel ashamed later but I needed to feel better now.

**At the BAU**

"What do you mean a lot?" Rossi asked perplexed at what Hotch had just said.

"I know Reid isn't getting to terms with Maeve's death well but…" Blake interrupted before Hotch could say anything.

She was just as worried about Reid as the rest of the team. Even though she hadn't been on the team as long as the others she felt as if Reid was one of her closest friends.

Reid had always been there if she needed him. She didn't like seeing him hurt.

"I know, we are all worried about Reid but he doesn't want to be worried about. I didn't hear everything which went on but he seemed pretty mad. What happened JJ?" Hotch asked as the group turned to JJ.

"Honestly, I don't really know. He was just so mad and he said something about he doesn't care what others think and he hates us worrying about him. He also shouted something else but I was just so amazed that I can't remember anything that happened. Why was he so mad at me?" JJ asked as she came out of her state of shock.

"Yeah, I know. Hotch, if I was you man, I would locate Reid and make sure he was ok. He said he was going to quit but I am really not sure he meant it…" Morgan said.

He was worried and concerned. He knew about Reid's drug past and he knew that he was vulnerable.

Reid was vulnerable to almost everything but Morgan had seen him change.

He was very closed off lately and would want to work more and more.

He hated how he felt responsible for anything bad that may happen to Reid. Even though most of it had nothing to do with Morgan.

"Yeah, I'll go and see him tomorrow. At the moment I think he needs some space. I guess he just needs some time away from us. I'll check on him tomorrow morning. He is pretty annoyed at me at the moment. I don't think he needs us to bother him right now…" Hotch said as he was trying to hide his worry over Reid.

Hotch would have to tell Garcia what was going on if she didn't already know and then he would probably get her to track Reid.

He might have been over paranoid but how couldn't he be. Reid was an ex-addict. He could relapse.

'No Reid wouldn't do that, would he? No,' Hotch thought as he saw the team think the same things. He couldn't believe he could think such things about Reid but everything he was thinking was justified.

Reid was an ex addict who was craving his favourite drug at that moment… diladid. None of the team knew Reid was craving but they all knew he was suffering from Maeve's death.

**With Reid**

Reid was in his car sitting outside a drug store.

There was a whole debate inside his mind.

Should I do this? Should I not? What will be the consequences? People I love will get hurt but do they really love me back? What will they do if they find out I have done it? Who cares anymore? Reid thought to himself as he got out of his car.

'Who cares?' was a thought that would take over his brain as he went into the drug store.

**At the BAU**

"Hotch, you can't do that. He could hurt himself. He could do something really stupid. I don't know about you but I'm going to check on him as soon as I leave work. I need to know he is alright!" JJ said to Hotch.

JJ was upset and hurt by what Reid had said to her but she knew he was having troubles at the moment. She was so worried about him. She knew what he could do when he was upset and she knew what he could do if he was worried.

She knew him better than most people but lately he was becoming distant and it felt as if parts of him had died when Maeve had.

The parts of him which had died were the loving part and the part which controlled his emotions and actions.

She wanted her old Spence back but she knew he needed saving and love to get back there.

"Ok, JJ. Someone should tell Garcia what has happened…" Hotch said as he turned around.

There behind him was Garcia with a fluffy pen in her hand.

She had a bright blue dress on with a green cardigan. She was wearing sparkly high heels and had a blue bird hair pin in her hair.

"What has happened?" Garcia said puzzled.

She didn't know what was going on but she felt a bit lonely in her tech heaven. The rest of the team looked at each as JJ said "It's a really long story…"

"What do you mean by that? Where's my baby G man?" Garcia asked worriedly as she looked around and saw Reid wasn't around.

"Baby girl, Reid shouted at JJ then stormed off. Me, Hotch and Blake tried to go after him but Reid had driven off by the time I reached him. Me and JJ are going to go to his apartment after work. But at the moment we don't know where he has gone and we are really worried about him. Can you track down where he is, Baby girl?" Morgan asked calmly.

He knew Garcia would be a bit shocked and probably would want to know more but at the moment he needed to know where Reid was before it was too late.


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter 3**

**With Reid**

Reid went into the drug store. He hoped he wouldn't need anything special to buy a syringe.

He was going to get his actual drug from somewhere completely untraceable. But he didn't want to get any diseases from the syringe drug dealers might give him.

He went up to the pharmacist behind the desk and looked up. "Do you sell syringes here?" He asked the pharmacist.

She was in her early 30s and had medium length blond hair. She had blues eyes and looked skinny.

She looked so like JJ it was unbelievable.

"I'm sorry sir I don't know if we sell them individually but I know we do sell them with certain medications. Why would you want a syringe, sir?"

Reid thought for a minute.

His brain was empty. He had no ideas other than that he wanted Diladid and now.

"Don't worry. I have to go," Reid said quickly exiting the store.

He didn't want to say anything to anyone.

He didn't want to make it more real.

He decided he would rather use a needle countless others had used rather than make up some lie. Well he had already told too many lies to too many people. He didn't want to lie anymore.

He got in his car and drove to the place he knew too well… The local drug's den.

**Pharmacists POV**

The man who asked if we had an individual syringe had just left.

He seemed panicky. I guess he was going to go to that local drug's den run by Owl.

Most of the people addicted to heroin or similar drugs usually asked whether we had any sort of drugs paraphernalia before or during the course they were addicted to the drug for.

I knew Owl pretty well.

I didn't know his name or how old he was. But I knew him better than most people.

Owl ran all the drug operations in the area. The police were either too stupid to know he was running everything or didn't care.

You were either on Owl's good side or bad side.

I had always been on his good side.

He saved me from a near certain death.

I would always be indebted to him for that.

He would occasionally come in disguise to the pharmacy and ask for something.

I always knew it was him though. You could just tell Owl from the rest of the other drug ring leaders.

He had a weird sort of elegance to his work.

Even when someone got on the wrong side of him, he had an elegant way of dealing with the. He was a much better class of criminal than the trash he was associated with.

I ran the pharmacy but the man who had come in didn't look like Owl but he did look like a user or a cop.

Maybe he was an ex addict.

I thought I'd let Owl decide whether he was ok.

No doubt the guy would purposely bump into Owl.

Owl was the one with the goods and he had the ability to sell them or not.

He also had the ability to choose between life and death.

Only the people on Owl's bad side got death, usually.

**With Reid**

Reid was driving to the drugs den when he realized that the team might put an AVB on his vehicle.

He needed to hide it somewhere.

He needed the team to know what he was about to do but he didn't want them to stop him.

He would only try again if they somehow did.

Reid pulled over by a church.

It was about 15 minutes' walk from the drugs den.

He grabbed his brown, faded satchel and took out his notepad and a pen. He began to write an apology note to JJ.

He was sorry to JJ. She didn't deserve to suffer. She was the only one he wanted to let know. She wouldn't forgive him if he ended up dead somewhere. She wouldn't forgive herself.

It wasn't JJ's fault that Reid wanted to turn to drugs again.

He'd been thinking about it for at least three weeks now if not longer.

The cravings were getting too much and today he couldn't handle them. The insomnia didn't help either. It sort of amplified the cravings more.

He wrote the letter to JJ and left it on the passenger seat.

He took his wallet out of his satchel and left his credentials and gun along with the letter addressed to JJ.

Hopefully she would understand. That's what Reid hoped anyway.

He left the car door unlocked and took the key with him.

He didn't know why because he probably wouldn't get back there before the team found it.

He turned away and began walking towards the place he knew better than most… The local drugs den.

**At the BAU**

Garcia turned to Morgan and said "Of course I can my chocolate god of thunder! He won't do anything stupid will he?"

Garcia was worried because one of her babies was missing and even though she didn't want to admit it to herself, Reid was unstable.

"I hope not," Morgan mumbled as Garcia turned and headed for her computer heaven.

"I think two of us should go and check Reid's apartment out. Even if we don't find him there it might give us a clue to where he is. I know Garcia's tracking his phone down but he might have turned it off or he might have dumped it somewhere…" JJ said.

She turned towards Morgan and Hotch as Morgan replied "I'm going to go with JJ to Reid's apartment. If Garcia does track him down I want to know. I want to find him more than anything right now and if going to his apartment does help to do that. I want to do it." Hotch nodded as JJ and Morgan left.

JJ and Morgan ran to the black SUV and got in.

They drove as fast as the vehicle could go. Their lights were flashing and they were probably going double the speed limit but it was worth it if they found Reid before anything bad happened to him.

Before Reid did anything stupid.

They got to his apartment building in about five minutes.

They ran to Reid's apartment door.

JJ was the first to knock on the door. "Are you in, Spence?" JJ asked sweetly. There was no reply.

"Spence, I'm not angry with you. I'm worried about you. Are you inside? We can talk…" JJ said. Her voice was quiet and fearful.

'He hasn't killed himself, has he? He hasn't turned back to diladid, has he?' JJ wondered as there was no reply.

They waited five minutes before either of them said anything. "What shall we do?" JJ broke the silence.

Morgan shook his head. He didn't know and was praying that Reid hadn't done something stupid.

"I suppose there is only one thing we can do…" Morgan whispered.

He looked around the door to see if Reid would hide a spare key somewhere.

Obviously Reid being Reid, he wouldn't do such a thing.

He probably wouldn't lose a key so wouldn't need a spare one.

"Are you going to kick his door in?" JJ asked as Morgan got in position.

"Yeah, how else are we going to get in his apartment?" Morgan said in a frustrated manner.

He didn't need people asking stupid questions right now.

He needed to find Reid.

"Well, he gave me a spare key in case anything happened. I think it's in my pocket. If it's not it's in my purse back at the BAU…" JJ said as she searched through her pockets.

"If it's not in your pocket, I'm kicking down the door!" Morgan mumbled.

JJ searched her pocket to find two keys.

She didn't know what they were for but she hoped one of them was for Reid's apartment for both her and Reid's sakes.

**With Garcia**

Garcia typed away furiously trying to track down Reid's phone.

It had been harder than she had expected it to be but he did have an old phone and it was an FBI agent's phone.

But she had tracked it down.

Well she was an expert hacker and computer genius!

She had a location. It seemed as if Reid wasn't moving.

'Maybe he is sitting waiting for us. Maybe he is thinking.' Garcia hoped as she saw the location.

It was outside a church.

'A church! That's weird for Reid!' Garcia thought as she got up and ran to locate Hotch.

Hotch and the others were stood in the same place as the last time she found them besides JJ and Morgan who were at Reid's apartment.

"I think I have a location!" Garcia said as she joined the small group.

"Ok send the location to our cells…" Hotch said as he, Rossi and Blake ran to the elevator.

Garcia did as they instructed because she hoped that Reid was with his phone and they would find him.

She hoped they would find him before anything really bad happened.

Reid was her baby G man.

She couldn't lose Reid.

She couldn't lose anybody from this team. They were her family and she couldn't bare it if any of them got hurt or killed.

She had a hard enough time when she thought Prentiss had died.

She didn't want to find out Reid had actually died. She didn't know how she would handle it if they did find him like that.

**With Hotch, Rossi and Blake**

There was a sort of awkward silence as they drove to the location Garcia had sent to their cells.

Everybody was worried and just focused on trying to find Reid alive and well.

He had been going through a tough time and he was not great at dealing with his feelings.

They hoped he hadn't done anything stupid.

They were going faster than the speed limit allowed for but they didn't really care. They had to find Reid.

They stopped when they saw Reid's car.

They parked up and walked up to the car.

It was strange because it was parked outside of a church and Reid was definitely not religious. His brain was scientific. She was sure that Reid was not remotely religious. 'Is this a cry for help?' Blake wondered as they all got out of the SUV.

All three of them walked to Reid's car expecting him to be inside.

Hotch looked inside the car from the driver's side.

He couldn't see Reid but could see some stuff on the passenger seat.

"Blake, Can you see if the passenger side is open please?" Hotch asked as Blake opened the passenger side.

"This is really odd for Reid!" Rossi and Blake said in unison.

Hotch nodded and walked over to the front passenger door which Rossi and Blake were standing beside.

"What's on the seat?" Hotch asked as Blake looked closer.

"His satchel, his credentials, his gun and a note to JJ. It looks like he knew we would find his car here and it looks like he doesn't want to come back or something like that. This isn't good Hotch!" Blake said with sadness in her eyes.

Reid was her closest friend at the BAU.

Sure the others were nice and everything but she had bonded with Reid the best.

Now he had either put himself or was in danger in some way.

She didn't like this at all.

"I think it's time to call Morgan and JJ. The letter addressed to JJ and she needs to read it before the rest of us!" Rossi said to Hotch.

Hotch simply nodded and called JJ.

He knew that whatever was in the letter was something that Reid thought would be better left for JJ to explain.


	4. Chapter 4

**Chapter 4**

**With Morgan and JJ**

The second key JJ tried was Reid's home key.

They quickly unlocked the door and found the apartment in a mess.

When they entered the apartment it smelt as if something was rotting inside. The smell was really awful.

There were books all over the floor. It was as if someone had been angry and took it out on the bookcases.

"This is not like Reid. Do you think someone broke in and was trying find something?" JJ asked as Morgan trod carefully ahead.

Morgan replied pointing to the TV "If you were a burglar would you leave a TV or a laptop?"

Morgan was really worried now. He knew a burglar would do this.

It was either Reid's doing or an attacker.

Morgan was leaning to his little brother doing it to his own place.

It upset Morgan so much.

This was obviously a cry for help.

Reid was more upset and more in pain than either he or JJ thought.

"We need to find him!" Morgan said turning to JJ who was still quite close to the front door.

"I know Morgan. He's unstable but no-one's prepared to say anything. We all know he has been unstable since Maeve's death but…" JJ said.

She had tears glistening in her eyes.

JJ didn't want to blame herself or any of the team for Reid's disappearance but it was sort of obvious that Reid was on the edge of some sort of breakdown.

"I tried to help him but I didn't try hard enough. It's my fault Reid has gone missing and probably done something stupid!" JJ cried.

She felt as if she was solely responsible for Reid. If Reid got hurt again, JJ wouldn't be able to forgive herself.

Morgan went over to JJ and gave her a rare hug.

"We all feel like that, I promise it isn't your fault if anything happens. Reid's not here and it's doing us any good being here. Hopefully the others have found something." Morgan whispered.

Morgan was blaming himself as much as JJ was blaming herself.

His little brother was probably in a dangerous situation right now just because he hadn't been caring enough for Reid.

Morgan just hoped Reid was safe in some library reading a book or something.

He didn't want to find Reid dead in some ditch or something. Morgan wouldn't be the same person if something like that happened.

Then Morgan's phone rang. His heart stopped for a moment. He couldn't help but think the worst had happened.

It was natural for Morgan to think the worst had happened. He had seen enough death and suffering, he knew what the worst looked like.

Rarely did the good happen.

Morgan grabbed his phone from his pocket and answered it.

Before he could talk Hotch said "We need you and JJ to get to an address I'll get Garcia to send to your cell. There is a note to JJ. It's Reid's handwriting but we haven't read it yet. I think it would be right for JJ to read it first. I'll talk to you and JJ more when you get here, ok?"

Morgan sighed. 'At least Reid's not dead yet,' He thought. Morgan knew it was a horrible thought but at the moment all Morgan could hold on to was that Reid wasn't dead. It was the only thing pulling him along. Morgan couldn't bare it if Reid died. Reid was more than a friend. Reid was family. He was Morgan's little brother.

Morgan couldn't bare it if Reid was dead. Morgan wouldn't be able to function.

"Ok, Hotch" Morgan said as Hotch ended the call.

Morgan told JJ that they had to meet the team somewhere as they left Reid's apartment.

Morgan didn't say too much to JJ about why they were going but he did say that Reid wasn't dead when JJ asked grimly if the team had found Reid's body.

They got into the SUV as Garcia sent the location to Morgan's cell as instructed by Hotch.

They quickly got to the place where Hotch, Rossi and Blake were waiting.

It was outside a church and they all were waiting outside Reid's car. It was obvious that no-one was inside but JJ and Morgan ran to them.

"JJ, there's something you need to see," Rossi said before anyone could interrupt.

Rossi handed JJ the letter Reid wrote and she took it. JJ read through it with tears in her eyes.

What Reid had wrote was had brought JJ to tears.

It made JJ realize how essential it was to find Reid now. Even though Reid didn't want to be found he needed to be found. She knew that.

JJ turned to the team and said "We need to find him, now…"

Everyone looked at her and Hotch asked "What was in the letter?"

JJ sighed. She didn't want the others reading it. It was personal and she knew Reid wouldn't be happy with her if she did share this with the rest of the team. But JJ also knew this might be the only way they could find Reid.

JJ sighed "Here you go," She handed Hotch the letter. JJ didn't like it at all. Hotch read the letter out to the rest of the team.

_Dear Jennifer_

_I want to say first before I say anything else, I love you and nothing I do is your fault. I'm sorry for all the times you have blown you of, shouted back at you, I haven't took your advice, not done as a godfather should, let you down and made you upset. I'm so sorry for today. I didn't mean to shout at you earlier. I've had a really tough time. I've not been able to sleep properly since Maeve died. I know all the team wonder what's wrong with me but if I'm honest I don't know myself. The only thing I know is that I'm struggling. I'm really struggling. I'm sorry if you find me in a really bad state or dead. I want you to know I don't blame you. If I had to blame anyone, I blame Diane. I wouldn't consider doing this if Maeve was alive. _

_Everything has got too much. I give up on trying getting my life back. I have tried to keep some sort of normal in my life but everything is ripping me up inside. I can't do this job anymore. I know the team think I'm unstable and I would completely agree with you. I feel unstable. This is one of the reasons I'm going to do what I'm going to do. I can't live under the constant supervision of the team. You all have lives I don't want to rip you from. You have Henry and Will. I'm sure they will protect you from what I am going through. _

_I don't deserve the life I have had. The team is full of the best people I have ever met. The team is full of people I love and people who deserve better than me. I've really don't deserve them. I'm annoyed at a couple of them but truly I love them. I'm sorry Jennifer. I'm going back to the days where I was truly unstable. The days where I would have sold my soul to get my fix. Honestly I don't know where my head is right now but it is definitely not where I want it to be. Maybe this is the easiest way out but honestly I can't see any alternative. This is my fault. This is not you or any other member of the team's fault. This is my decision and I'm sorry if you find me in a condition which I have to be taken to the hospital for. This is no-one else's fault. You tried your hardest (you and the team) to get my life back to normal. You have done everything you could. It is my fault. I couldn't stop it. I couldn't hold myself back. I couldn't get the help which you will say I needed. I'm so sorry. I needed it more than anything and I can't let you or the team get hurt any more. You don't deserve it._

_I'm so sorry_

_Spencer Reid _

_P.S. I don't deserve a nickname. I've done something which is completely unforgivable. I'm sorry. I love you. I'm so sorry Jennifer._

"JJ, I have never heard Reid ever call you Jennifer before," Morgan said after reading the letter.

He was shocked. He had never had heard Reid call JJ Jennifer.

He had not known Reid was feeling like this.

Morgan didn't know Reid was so… so unstable.

He didn't know how badly Maeve's death had hurt Reid so badly. Morgan knew Reid would be hurt by the death but not this badly. Morgan read the letter and felt as if Reid had planned all of this.

Morgan thought he knew what Reid was about to do and he needed to rescue Reid before Reid got on the wrong side of someone or really hurt himself.

"I know. I don't know Reid as well as the rest of you, but this is not like him. I wonder what he means by 'I've done something which is completely unforgiveable'." Blake added.

She couldn't believe what she had just read. Blake had lots of questions which probably could only be answered by Reid himself but there was one particular question which she thought Hotch might be able answer but she didn't know if it was relevant or not.

Blake didn't know whether it would be too personal or too awkward or just too stupid to ask. That question was 'Was Reid ever addicted to any drugs?'

Blake didn't really want to approach the subject but she didn't know Reid's history and there were parts of the letter which might of referred to past drug use. There were parts of the letter which were really bothering Blake.

"Yeah, I wonder too. I think he has given us some sort of clue to where he is. I have certain ideas but I want to make sure. I don't want to hurt other innocent people if I'm wrong. I think we should deal with this letter like we would a ransom note. We should go through it paragraph by paragraph, line by line, word by word before we do anything too rash." Rossi said.

Rossi knew that it would be dangerous if he was right. He knew they would need reinforcements if he was right.

He knew that they might kill Reid if he was right about things. There had been too many instances where people had died after messing with the wrong people.

Rossi didn't want Reid to be another statistic.

He just hoped he was wrong about Reid but he only knew a little about Reid's past. He could only assume the worst would/ had happened.

Rossi hoped Reid would be alive and well when the team found him. He knew too much about the local violence. He was once a cop on these streets and he saw what could happen to good people when they got in the way of the worst.

**Author's Note**

**I know I haven't done an author's note on the other chapters but I wanted to say thank you to all the people who review my story. It makes me happy that you guys spend time reading and reviewing my story. I know there was no Reid in my chapter but don't worry… Next chapter will be a Reid centric chapter. I don't own Criminal minds. I didn't send this chapter to my friend who sort of Beta reads the chapters so sorry if it's bad (also sorry if the previous chapter was bad because my friend didn't actually read it). I will probably not do an author's note again unless I have to tell you readers something really important about the progress on the story. Please review this chapter and tell me what you think. **


	5. Chapter 5

**Chapter 5**

**Reid's POV**

I was walking for at least 10 minutes before I saw the abandoned warehouse. It was in an industrial estate.

That's probably one of the reasons why when the police go looking for the drug dealers they hardly find them.

They didn't look out of place here.

From the outside it looked like a big warehouse which hadn't been used in a while. But it was always being used.

I couldn't believe I was going to do this.

I couldn't believe I was going to give everything up to turn back to the dark days. At least this time the team wouldn't be affected by my bad decisions.

I wouldn't hold them back in anyway. They needed to move on.

I was a broken person.

They would never be able to save me.

I had nothing else to lose. I'd lost the love of my life. My mum was stuck in a home. I'd pushed the team away. My cravings were taking over.

I had nothing to lose.

I walked up to the door on the front of the warehouse. It was a navy blue metal door to match with the warehouse's blue exterior.

I knocked on the door once. There was no answer at first.

I needed a fix. I didn't know what I would do if I didn't get some diladid.

I couldn't go home. I had nowhere which I could call home now. I left my old life behind. I couldn't reclaim it.

The team had probably found the letter and seen my apartment. If I did go back to my old life for some reason, I'd get pitting looks from everyone. I'd probably have to get some sort of therapy.

It wouldn't be a life I would want. I didn't want pity.

I wanted freedom.

I knocked again.

This time a tall, muscular, white man in a suit came out.

He looked really out of place in a drugs den but I could tell he wasn't on anything.

If he was he'd probably be on steroids. His muscles were huge.

He was probably a security guard or bodyguard for the drugs den or someone inside.

He kind of scared me. I bowed my head down and looked to the floor. It felt as if I was a child who had to go up to the scary head teacher for something I had done wrong.

He spoke in a rough, gruff voice "Who are you?"

I looked up slightly to see he was straight faced and professional. I knew he would probably see if I was lying. He'd probably beat me up if he knew I was a federal agent.

He'd probably beat me up if he searched me which undoubtedly he'd probably would.

I said in a weak, quiet voice "My name is Spencer Reid." I wasn't technically lying but somewhere deep inside myself, I knew adding Dr at the start wouldn't be good.

Part of me would have laughed at me saying my name was Dr Spencer Reid. I'd understand if that part would have laughed. This was a stupid, unhealthy, dangerous thing I wanted to do to myself. But I was going to do it anyway.

"Why are you here, Mr Reid?" The gruff muscular man asked.

"I need something which your boss sells," I quickly said. I needed the diladid now and this bodyguard was in my way.

I couldn't say I needed drugs. I'd be dead if I said anything like that out loud in a place like this.

This drug cartel never liked anyone but their client base knowing their location and knowing they sold drugs. Of course they liked to increase their client base like any other sort of business but they had to be more secretive. They couldn't risk the cops and feds knowing how big their operation was.

"Ah, Mr Reid. You look like a smart guy. If I was you, I would leave before you even got to know my boss. Let's just say you look like none of his other clients and his products are very potent. You should really leave before my boss even knows you're here." The guard said.

He sounded honest and what he was saying should have deterred me but I wanted diladid even more.

I needed it.

This guard couldn't fob me off like this.

"Please! I know what your boss sells. He is an old friend of mine. I need some. Please!" I pleaded. I lied a little but I don't think he knew.

The guard looked and nodded as he mumbled "My boss wouldn't like it if I turned away customers,"

He grabbed my arm and dragged me inside.

He locked the door and guided me to a room about twenty meters from the entrance.

It was on the left side and had a grey metal door.

He slammed me inside and said "I'll be back soon!" as he exited the room.

I could hear him lock the door from the outside.

I didn't have time to process where I was before he came back with a smaller, younger, less muscular man dressed in a white t shirt, a pair of black trousers, a suit jacket and a pair of white converse. He looked like he was in his early to mid 30s. He didn't look very happy looked like he was annoyed at someone. He looked slightly angry too.

I could only guess what would happen next.

It happened so fast.

The younger man changed slightly and smiled. He approached me and landed the first punch on my cheek.

I wasn't expecting the punch so toppled backwards slightly.

Before I could recover and fight back the bodyguard got involved and kicked me in the shin.

The younger man was laughing as he repeatedly hit me.

I fell to the ground after the second kick I think.

From there it goes a bit dark.

I must have fallen unconscious.

I can't remember what happened and the pain had one.

I hadn't been drugged. I knew that. I was craving diladid so I couldn't have been drugged yet. I was unconscious.

It was the one thing I was sure of.

**The bodyguard (Shaun) POV**

I was worried about the guy Owl was kicking the shit out of.

The guy's name was Spencer, I think.

He didn't really deserve it.

Spencer seemed quite young.

I only kicked him a couple of times so that he'd fall to the ground and hopefully Owl would leave him alone and it would look like I was on his side.

I didn't like seeing people being beaten up.

Usually if someone fell to the ground Owl would leave them alone, but this was different. When Spencer fell to the ground Owl continued hurting him.

I was never a bully and I will never be.

It was the first time in about six months that I had been tempted to tell Owl to stop but I couldn't stand up for Spencer though.

I needed the money from protecting this place and Owl. Even though I seemed always to be in an awkward situation like this.

This was wrong.

As Owl continued to kick Spencer, I winced.

Spencer was unconscious and when he woke up he would really be hurting.

That's if Owl didn't kill him.

I had to ask why he was beating Spencer so badly. It wasn't even normal for Owl to do to his enemies. I had to ask even though he would probably hurt me.

He was quite violent and had anger issues. It wasn't a very good mix.

I said quietly "Owl, do you think you have beaten him enough?"

He turned to me with a smirk on his face and anger in his eyes. "Do you know who he is and what he did?" He whispered in a harsh voice.

It felt like Spencer meant something very bad to Owl. Honestly I didn't know what Spencer had done to Owl or anyone associated with Owl.

I only started working here for about a year ago, after I losing my job in the police for violent conduct about three months before and was really struggling. It wasn't my fault I had been fired. I beat to death a gang banger and I was in the wrong. I saved a lot more people but still I got punished. It wasn't fair.

Anyway, it was hard to support my wife and two children and I would have done anything to support my family. Someone approached me and said they had been watching me for a while and asked whether I wanted to do some security work.

They didn't say what sort but I had to accept it. It was the only offer I had been given. I needed to take it.

Now I felt like I was an outsider once again. I felt like this was a really bad decision. But everything decision I made seemed to be bad.

"What did he do, Owl?" I asked quietly. I wanted to keep this fight between me, Owl and Spencer. I didn't want the other gang bangers to enter and beat the poor guy to death if Owl hadn't already.

Owl smirked and laughed dryly "You think he has done nothing important but trust me Shaun Spencer, here, is the whole reason we have to be in the shadows. He is the reason why we have to hide and run. He is the reason my dad is dead!" Owl kicked Spencer again before continuing. I think he was still unconscious when Owl kicked him though. He didn't move or make a sound.

"Spencer is an ex addict who is a fed. He hunts killers and others but he got kidnapped and got hooked on diladid. It's basically drug store heroin. He quit but one of his mates knew and made sure we got pushed into the shadows. When they came that day, my dad was in his office with me. He was teaching me how to handle myself with drug runners. Anyway a swat team barged into the office and my dad pulled out his gun and got shot to death. This man here was the reason behind the swat team. This man is responsible for my father's death. He doesn't deserve to self-medicate. He doesn't deserve anything but a painful death. I know I'm not usually like this Shaun but this," He pointed to Spencer. "Deserves everything he gets." Owl said as he spat on Spencer and walked towards the door.

"I have other things to do. Make sure he doesn't escape and make sure he doesn't get what he wants... I need to sort things out. Deal with him Shaun but I want him alive when I come back. I want the bastard to die a painful death in my hands. I want to see him suffer," Owl shouted as he left the room.

I was left alone with a man on Owl's hitlist.

'God help him,' I prayed as I turned towards Spencer.

I could see him groaning slightly but I knew it would only get worse for the poor guy.

He sounded like he had a pretty tough time bit I couldn't have full sympathy for him. He was a fed and Owl was insistent that Spencer had been behind Owl's father's death.

I just sighed as I saw the guy's eyes flutter open. It was his fault he was in this situation but I wondered why he was here.

Spencer was relapsing for some reason but I didn't know why. I wanted to find out why he threw his life away for one stupid high.

I wanted to know but also knew it wasn't wise to get too close. It would be bad for both of us.

Owl would probably Kill Spencer and hurt me and my family.I didn't want that.

I could only presume it was something bad for him to give up after presumably five years. I knew that because I have been clean for three years despite being surrounded by drugs on a daily basis.

I would never turn to them again unless one of my family died or something as bad happened.

Spencer didn't deserve what Owl was giving him.

Even though I didn't know the guy on the floor, I knew he was going through a tough time and he didn't deserve this.

I just hoped Owl would have a change of heart and let this guy, Spencer, have something to ease the pain .Even if it was Spencer's drug, diladid.


	6. Chapter 6

**Chapter 6**

**With Reid and The Security Guard (Shaun)**

Reid had a banging headache. Worse than banging.

His head felt as if a bomb had gone off and he had been in the centre.

Reid blinked his eyes open and saw he was still in the grey cell.

He was hurting everywhere.

Reid was craving more but he realised it wasn't worth it anymore.

He wished he could escape this hell and go back to the team like nothing ever happened.

He was ashamed by what mess he had left the team with.

Reid knew none of them would get over finding their genius dead in a ditch somewhere.

He knew JJ would be really upset and be blaming herself for everything that had happened to him. Reid also knew Morgan would also blame himself and not give up hope until he saw for himself Reid's body.

Garcia would sob uncontrollably and Blake would try to comfort the others although her pain would be intense and very painful.

Hotch would lead the team until he couldn't keep the emotions at bay anymore and Rossi would try to stay strong and support the others but he wouldn't be strong enough to help everyone.

Reid didn't think about what would happen to his mum if she found out he had died. Reid didn't think about Prentiss, Seaver, Gideon or Elle finding out.

He was hoping he would be found before anyone could go through his loss.

Reid let a tear leak out of his eye as he thought of his funeral.

Reid knew he had thrown his life away… And for what? A stupid high so he could forget. Reid knew that wouldn't constitute him throwing life away.

He could never go back to his "old" life even if he did escape by some sort of freak chance. Reid had thrown everything he'd ever worked for, everything he could possibly dream of just to get beaten up, drugged and possibly killed.

Reid attempted to turn his head slightly when he saw the security guard sitting down next to him. Reid was alarmed and slightly scared.

For all Reid knew this beast of a man could want to beat him up more. Perhaps beat him up until the point where Reid was actually dead.

He saw the security guy move slightly and whisper "Hey, Spencer. Is that your name? Don't move." The security guard moved over to Reid's body and put his hands on Reid's chest and head. "Owl beat you pretty bad. I don't know what could be wrong with you but it is probably best if you stay as still as possible. Owl could have hurt your neck or back badly. I don't know you well but I don't want to see you in pain." The security guard said.

Reid managed to whisper "What's your name?" His voice was raspy and very quiet.

"My name is Shaun. You really should have left when I warned you!" The security guard said. He smiled slightly even though he knew Owl would be back soon, Shaun wanted to protect Spencer the best he could without Owl hurting his family.

"I guess you're right." Reid whispered.

He knew Shaun was right when they had met at the front of the warehouse but Reid had to get diladid at all costs. The only thing was his life was probably the cost Reid would have to pay.

**At the BAU**

Hotch was the first to speak when the team assembled in the conference room.

Rossi had decided it would be better if they all left Reid's car and went back to the BAU and think through where Reid could be.

"Reid gave JJ this letter for a reason. He didn't address it to the team and he used Jennifer instead of JJ. We need to work out every little hint he has given us in this letter. It is our only way of finding him now." Hotch said as he paced around the room. He couldn't just sit down especially at a time like this.

One of his team was missing.

Hotch wouldn't calm down until he found Reid well and alive. Reid had to be alive. Hotch and the others couldn't lose anyone especially not their resident genius Reid. Reid had to be alive.

"I know I'm the newest member of the team and probably know Reid the least out of all of you, but I feel as if me and Reid had a special sort of friendship like brother and sister. I think I have an idea what he is saying through the letter but I really need to know something first…" Blake said slowly.

She didn't want to think that Reid was a drug addict resigned to his fate and willing to do anything for his next fix.

Blake wanted to think of Reid as a thoughtful, naïve genius who loved his job and do anything for his family. But it seemed soon she would have to rethink Reid's whole profile.

"What do you want to know?" Hotch asked as he stopped and faced Blake.

All the team's eyes were on Blake. She felt slightly nervous at asking the question but she asked anyway.

" I don't want you to think I'm trying to say anything negative about Reid but if I was reading that letter from a completely unbiased viewpoint one of the first things I would ask the family whether he was a drug addict at any time. " Blake paused.

She was going to apologise for accusing Reid of being a drug addict but she was interrupted by Morgan asking Hotch something.

"Do you think he would relapse after all this time?" Morgan had a shocked expression on his face, as did most of the team, but he had managed to string some words together.

He couldn't believe Reid would waste all the hard work he did to get off Diladid just to relapse when times got tough.

Morgan knew Reid was suffering badly from Maeve's death but he couldn't believe Reid would stoop so low.

The saddest thing for Morgan was Reid was throwing his life away but he didn't know how rich his life actually was.

**With Reid and Shaun**

"Do you want some water?" Shaun asked as he moved his hands off Reid's body.

"Yes, please." Reid replied quickly. He knew he would need some water to survive. He also knew the water might help to relieve his headache slightly.

He couldn't think clearly with this headache. He could barely keep two thoughts in his head at the same time at the moment.

Reid knew he needed the water but was frightened in case Shaun spiked it or Owl came back whilst he was drinking the water and beat him even worse.

"Ok, here you go." Shaun said unscrewing the top of a half empty water bottle. "Don't worry its safe!" Shaun said as he sensed Reid's uneasiness at accepting the drink.

Reid lifted his head and felt his head pound worse than before. He sipped some of the water and then settled his head back on the floor.

Reid wanted to stay awake because he knew it wouldn't be good if he fell asleep.

Reid asked quietly "Can you tell me about your life? Tell me how you ended up working here? Can you keep me awake until Owl comes, please?"

Shaun shook his head slightly. He knew it could be dangerous for everyone if he told Spencer too much.

He whispered "I can't. Owl would kill me and my family if he found out I had told him stuff about myself and the drug's cartel. He'd kill you too but as you probably know he is going to kill you anyway."

Reid wasn't shocked by what Shaun (the bodyguard) had said. Reid was on a death sentence but he couldn't figure out why. He hadn't done anything personally to Owl before.

Reid couldn't remember ever seeing Owl before Owl had started beating him up.

He needed to know one thing before he saw Owl again. "What have I done to him?"

Reid was hoping Shaun would know something. So on the hope that Shaun would at least tell him why he was served this death sentence by Owl Reid asked "Can you at least tell me why? Why he is going to kill me? Why he want to destroy me? I'm more than capable of destroying my own life. If he knew what I had been though these past few months, Owl would know what I did today before I came here…"

Reid had a couple of tears sliding down his face. Shaun looked at him in an empathic way as if he knew what Spencer was feeling although he didn't know exactly what had happened.

He quietly said "Owl wants to kill you for revenge. He thinks you are responsible for his father's death. Spencer I really hope there is some escape for you. I also hope you don't regret what you did before coming here. It will probably the last time you see the outside before Owl kills you."

Shaun turned away slightly as Reid tried to question him in an unspeakable form.

Reid couldn't form any words. He didn't know what to say. It was unbelievable to say the least.

The two men decided it would be better to stay silent than try to form sentences of unless words.

They were both dreading the moment Owl decided to come back into the cell.


	7. Chapter 7

**Chapter 7**

**Authors Note**

I'm sorry for not updating last Sunday but I was really busy. I might even post another chapter tonight (depends whether I can write another one in the time I have). I have finished my other story so I have more time to focus on this one. I am going back to school on Wednesday so I may not be able to update as often as I like. I'm sorry in advance.

**At the BAU**

"The sad truth is that I think he might have relapsed. He isn't in the right state of mind to make his own decisions right now. We really need to find him as soon as possible. We need to know everything about the drug cartels in the area. Rossi did you used to work for the local PD?" Hotch asked.

"Yeah, at the time there was a big cartel called the Blood Brothers. But that was about 20 years ago; I doubt they have any of the same members. I doubt the cartel is big in this area anymore. I think there was a big crack down about five years ago and a big mob boss died. I know some names of the members but I doubt it would help much." Rossi said.

"Rossi, it might help bring Reid back home. You and Garcia go through the names. See if they had any relatives and see if they had any close relationships to other people. Everything you find might help Reid! Morgan and JJ, did you find anything at his apartment?" Hotch said as Rossi and Garcia left the room and went to Garcia's lair to research the horrible mobsters and their families.

"It was a mess," JJ said.

She looked down at her feet. She felt so sad that Reid was like this. She felt so sorry for him.

Reid never deserved what happened to him. Reid father left him when he was ten. His mum was a paranoid schizophrenic who he looked after until he was 18. He was bullied as a child then he got kidnapped, contracted anthrax and got shot whilst being in the BAU. Now his true love got shot right in front of him.

No wonder he had turned back to the only thing that made him feel like he could escape. JJ was slightly disappointed that Reid couldn't have spoken any of them about how he was feeling.

"There were books all over the place and stuff was smashed up. There was also a rotting smell in the apartment. He hasn't been looking after himself Hotch. I think this job has been keeping him alive." Morgan continued.

"Reid would never mess up his apartment like he has unless he had a mental breakdown or was already on drugs." JJ said softly.

Hotch had an idea of what to do but hoped it would work so he said to the rest of the team (who were in the conference room) "We will find him and help him. Ok, Morgan, you and me will go in separate SUV and do a search of the area near to where Reid's car was. I think we should do a mile search in the SUV in case we spot him or a sign of him. JJ, you go to his apartment again. He might turn up there and Blake stay here and call me or Morgan if Rossi or Garcia find anything. Ok, see you all later. Hopefully we will find Reid safe and alive in our search."

Hotch and Morgan walked quickly out of the conference room with JJ a little way behind. Blake was the last one to leave the room but she went to Garcia's lair to join Rossi and Garcia.

She opened the door as quietly as she could but Blake didn't think it made any difference. Both Garcia and Rossi were busy hunting through records of ex mob bosses and mobsters associated to the Blood Brothers.

It didn't seem like either of them had found anything yet. Blake didn't want to disturb them but she wanted to help them find Reid so she stepped closer to them.

Rossi was the first one to turn slightly and see her. "Hi, Alex. What do you want?" Rossi said.

Blake replied "I've been told by Hotch to see if you have found anything. Would you like some help with searching for information to where Reid is?" Blake said quietly.

"My Alexbear, we need all the help we can get. Most of these Mobsters are dead and their families are dead. We have only found a few mobsters alive and only a few relatives alive but we still have a load of names to go through. Sit down in the other spare chair and you can help us." Garcia smiled and pulled out the chair to the right of her.

Blake sat down and started to help both Rossi and Garcia with finding possible Drug mobsters who lived nearby or held properties nearby which Reid could buy drugs from and be hiding out in.

But they all knew it would be difficult!

This was Reid they were trying to find. Blake knew Reid would hide in an impossible to track place. But Blake hoped Reid was possible to find. The whole team needed him.

**With Reid and Shaun**

The room was silent for a long time before the door creaked open. It seemed to open slower than either Reid or Shaun could think was possible.

They were both dreading what they would see when it fully opened. Shaun stood up and walked in front of Reid as the door fully opened to show Owl.

"Hello, Shaun and Spencer. I've had fun picking your death Spencer. I want to truly thank you for giving me an excuse to make up terrible things I could do to you. I thought about doing some truly despicable things to you. I decided on one of the less gruesome deaths for you. Well it isn't gruesome and when your precious team find you they will think it was an accidental suicide. Also it will be splashed all over the news, I can guarantee that. See I know some very powerful people from nearly every profession. I know a lot of local and national newspaper editors who like to snort cocaine on the weekends. I know a few, very powerful, people who work for TV stations who like to smoke crack. I know a lot of police officers who like to do various drugs to get off their heads. I can make sure everyone who ever knew you will know how low you really are!" Owl said evilly.

He smiled and said to Shaun "Grab him and take him to the medical room. Strap him to the metal bed. Get Kat to get a needle and enough diladid to kill dear old Spencer here. I'll watch him die then get someone to dump the body with a needle nearby."

Owl went over to Reid and stroked his cheek and whispered quietly "I really wish I had more time to torture you. I would have made you fully pay for my father's death. I would have made sure you felt pain but at the moment I'm on the edge of making a very big deal, you'll just have to die! This will pay enough for my dear daddy. You'll be humiliated during and after your death. I really hope you rot in hell. Goodbye Spencer," Reid could feel the venom in Owl's voice. Owl spat on him then left the room.

Reid was in shock. He had less than an hour to live and the worst thing wasn't knowing he had only about an hour but that when one of the team found his body and a post mortem was done it would look like he had taken too much and OD'ed.

Even people who never knew Reid would know that he had died of a drug overdose. Then the BAU would be called into question for not spotting a drug user in their ranks.

They would definitely be suspended for a while if not closed down and all be moved into different departments maybe into different states or countries all because of Reid.

The team he knew of as a family may not be a family again just because Reid was too desperate to forget, too desperate to lose everything he'd ever loved, too cowardly to face up to his issues. He had been too proud to get help when he needed it most.

Now everyone he loved was going to pay because an angry drug cartel leader was pissed about his dad dying. It wasn't fair at all!

Shaun looked over to the battered and shocked Reid.

He thought it was unjust that a young man (who wasn't there at the time of Owl's father's death) should be killed and his family be agonised by Spencer being mocked in the news for something he had no control over.

He had his chance to get Spencer out of here. Shaun had been put in charge of Spencer.

Shaun could break Owl's rules. He was sick of Owl thinking he was big, popular, rich guy whereas most of his staff hated his guts and couldn't wait until someone killed him. But that wasn't going to happen soon.

Everyone was in fear of Owl because he knew too many people. He had no sense of when to stop. He was violent and angry all the time.

But most of all Owl wasn't afraid. Owl wasn't afraid of anything or anyone and that's what scared most people. Owl wasn't afraid of the police or FBI and he wasn't afraid of anyone who threatened him. That would probably be Owl's downfall.

Shaun whispered quietly "Spencer, can you stand up for me?"

Reid moaned "Why? I'm going to die within the hour. You're just going to go by your bosses orders for your family. I understand this is what you have to do but I'm not willingly going to help you take me to my death!"

Shaun shook his head slightly and looked into Reid's eyes and whispered so only Spencer could hear "I want to help you Spencer. You're FBI, right?"

Spencer quickly nodded as Shaun continued "Well you could put my family into protective custody or something. You're going to die if you don't escape. I'm your only chance of help in here. If I'm honest I hate Owl and am looking for an excuse to start anew with my family. If I help you, you have to help me! So come on stand up,"

Reid got up slowly as pain seared across his body.

Shaun held Reid's arm to keep him steady. Shaun walked out of the room with a limping, battered, drained Reid by his side.


	8. Chapter 8

**Chapter 8**

**With Shaun and Reid**

Shaun sped walked through a couple of corridors with Spencer lagging beside him before bumping into a couple of Owls people.

They were around 20 and were wearing hoodies and jeans. Both looked like they didn't care much about their personal hygiene and were male.

Normally Shaun wouldn't have minded bumping into two such morons. But he knew that they told Owl everything they saw on their patrols of the corridors. Even if it was really unimportant.

Shaun walked slower at a normalish pace. Reid attempted to stand straighter to help Shaun get past the two patrols.

The patrols looked up at Shaun and Reid but didn't say anything. They all stopped for a moment then the patrols walked past.

Both Reid and Shaun breathed out a sigh of relief and continued walking down the corridor.

They continued at a faster speed. Luckily they didn't bump into anymore patrols. Shaun had parked his car in the underground carpark everyone was required to park in other than Owl and a couple of other powerful people. Shaun wasn't considered important enough to park in the exclusive car park.

They were only about a couple of minutes' walk from Shaun's car.

They sped walked through the corridors and got to a wood door which was painted grey.

This was the door which led to the underground car park. Shaun let go of Reid slightly as he opened the door.

The door needed a key so Shaun took the big bunch of keys he had in his pocket and placed one of the gold keys inside the lock.

It was far too quiet when he opened the door. Something didn't feel right. Shaun quickly picked Reid up off of the ground and ran to his car.

Shaun knew the quicker he got himself and Reid into his car the faster he and his family would be safe.

Reid leaned on the passenger side of the car as Shaun unlocked the door.

He was really hurting but he knew he was almost free now. He knew that he would have to apologise to the team. Reid had no doubt in his mind that they would have tried looking for him. None of them deserved this. Even though he was really annoyed at most of them Reid knew they didn't deserve such uncertainty.

He heard the car unlock and slowly opened the door and got inside. Before Reid could even get himself comfortable in the seat and close the door he heard a gunshot pierce the air.

A sudden uneasiness came over Reid as he looked over to the driver's seat to see Shaun with his head hung down resting against the steering wheel with a small drop of blood coming from the side of head just above his ear. Whoever shot Shaun was a professional killer. Reid knew this was a sign.

He knew he was next. He needed to run but he was in so much pain.

Reid knew whoever shot Shaun had no compassion and would shoot him freely. Reid couldn't move very fast but he couldn't see Shaun's dying form.

Reid turned his head and was preparing to get out as he saw two big bodyguards in suits standing directly in his passenger doorway. There was no escape.

He turned his head back to Shaun to see another suited bodyguard pulling Shaun's lifeless body off of the driver's seat. There was no escape.

"Reid, or should I say Spencer or even Dr Reid, If you know what's good for you, you, will sit still in that chair and not fight against us. We aren't going to kill you yet if you're good. I realized that the angry little annoying kid Owl ordered Shaun to take you to the elimination room but Shaun liked you too much. We have dealt with the airhead Owl. A lot of people will be happy by what we have done to Owl. It's slightly disappointing we had to kill Shaun. He was a nice guy, but nice guys tend not to last that long in this game. He would have been a hindrance to our overall mission. We are going to take a little drive and then you can decide what happens…" A familiar voice said eerily. Reid knew that voice but didn't believe she would be involved in something like this.

She surely wouldn't go into crime, it wasn't her. Or was he always wrong about her?

The woman got into the back seat as one of her bodyguard sat on the driver's seat (where Shaun's dead body had just been laying).

Her other two bodyguards closed all the doors and joined her on the backseat.

She spoke smoothly as she instructed her driver to drive.

She never told him any directions but Reid assumed that this was all planned in advance so the driver knew where he was heading anyway.

"I couldn't believe no-one didn't tell me your love had died in front of your eyes. I had to find out myself. Not even Garcia let me know, and I thought she was one of my closest friends. I'm very sorry that you had to see someone so close to you die like that." She said quite quietly.

"Her name was Maeve and I loved her like nothing else in my life. She was so special. She was highly intelligent. She was to me, the woman. She was the only one for me but the last thing I said to her was that I didn't love her…" Reid whispered as tears stung his eyes.

It was still hard to talk about her. It was still tough to think about her. He only wanted diladid to forget, to feel something other than pain.

"That must have hurt! Was that why you were here? Reid everyone knows about your old problems with diladid. I know how much you worked to get sober. Why give up that sobriety? Originally I was going to make sure you and the team had nothing to do with this but one of my men saw you here. I thought this would be a good opportunity for both of us. I was planning on getting rid of Owl today anyway. Owl's dead now. I killed him myself. He was unbelievably stupid for a major drug cartel leader. He didn't suffer as long as I would have liked him to have done but he is dead and I took his client base. I want to talk to you about my plans. You will have decisions but your decisions will have consequences, I hope you understand that…" She said softly. Reid nodded.

She told Reid about her plans with her own empire built on crime.

It horrified him to see how dark she had become but he could see shards of herself in her plans. They were so cleverly put together but Reid couldn't understand why she was doing this.

Then the car stopped outside his old apartment building. "What are we doing here?" He interrupted her but she didn't seem to mind.

"Well I know something you thought no-one else did. I know about you and JJ. I know Henry might be yours. I followed her one night and she went to your apartment. It was only a few weeks after we, well the team, found out she was pregnant. I know you and her were at it until she told you about her pregnancy. You already knew about Will but didn't do anything about your casual sexual relationship until she told you she was pregnant. You both decided Will would be a better father. Well, he would give up everything for JJ if they had a son together, including his job. Neither you nor JJ wanted to quit your job at the BAU so you ended it. You're both still friends and have sweet spots for each other. That is why you addressed your goodbye note to her." She said.

Reid was shocked. No-one was supposed to know about him and JJ.

They both had moved on from that. JJ had a nice happy family whilst he had almost no-one. It didn't seem very fair but Reid never challenged it. He was happy watching Henry grow up as an outsider. Henry was growing up as a nice boy who had two great parents who would do anything for him. Reid never wanted to change that.

"What would you do you want to do with JJ?" Reid whispered. He didn't want Henry to lose mother and Reid didn't want to see JJ hurt in anyway.

"That's your decision Reid. You can join me and help me create a big empire and I promise none of the team will be involved or hurt in anyway but you will have to disappear and start anew. Or you can leave this car and go into your apartment and get your old life back. But I must warn you I will hurt you and JJ in various ways. You can decide but trust me either decision will deal its own consequences. What would you like Dr?" The woman venomously said.

Reid had to make his decision soon or else the woman would make it for him.

**Hello, sorry I haven't updated in a while blame school. I hope this chapter was ok please review. Also I have put a poll on my profile so you can decide what Reid should do. Please read my next chapter when I update next but it may not be for a couple of weeks so sorry.**


	9. Chapter 9

**Chapter 9**

"I don't understand. You used to be such a nice woman now… well now you've turned into a monster. Why are you doing this?" Reid asked as tears fell from his eyes.

He didn't want anyone to get hurt because of him but he didn't want to turn into a monster either. He still wanted to see his son as a distant relative. He wanted to comfort the team when they were low and he wanted to be comforted by them when he was at his lowest.

Reid was regretting ever saying goodbye to them in the way he did. He wished he could rewind the whole day and never say goodbye to them.

He listened as the woman said "I've not turned into a monster. Monsters are horrible creatures. I'm not a horrible creature. Really you are a monster. Look at yourself. You are trying to escape an existence where nothing you can do will stop the darkness. You could imprison all the bad guys and there would still be darkness. The only way you feel you can escape the darkness in your life is by taking drugs. Honestly Reid, look at you and the team. They all have darkness in their lives. Morgan can't hold down a girlfriend because of workplace commitments but we both know that's utter rubbish. JJ cheated on her boyfriend with you and her child is yours. I know she would never tell Will. Hotch's wife got murdered and Garcia got shot. Darkness is seeping through the cracks in the team. Soon the darkness will overtake the light and either the members leave or they get taken over the darkness. They will be no better than the criminals they try to catch."

The woman paused as the woman composed herself.

"You don't know them. You left. They are much better than the criminal they catch. They help everyone by catching the evil in the world. They catch monsters whilst remaining human. If anything they are superheroes." Reid cried back.

"Really listen to yourself, Reid. You are defending the filth of society. Police and feds just pick on the poor. Look at the Trayvon Martin case. The murderer got away for it for almost a year by pleading it was self-defence. If it wasn't for the support of the American public he probably would have gotten away for it for the rest of his life. If Trayvon Martin was a young middle class white boy murdered by the murderer, the murderer would have got life straight away. There is lots of other cases like that where the murderer got away because of police ignorance. I think the cops, the feds, the bankers, the politicians and the team are all the reason why our society is so problematic. Crime is a basis to show what's wrong with society and how to improve it. But no-one listens. No-one powerful ever listens. By the time they do, the damage has happened and there is pain in its path. They make the wrong decisions and make things worse for people. That is one of the reasons I'm doing this to make sure someone listens. Also if you join me the world will get so much less corrupt. It will get very simple. Others including the team would frown on what I'm proposing but you… Well you, Reid, understand. You understand much better than the rest of the evil society claims are the protectors. The thing is many people have lost faith in society. They go underground to find our society. It's been getting bigger and bigger but it's only been running about two years. With you, we could make it even bigger and throw the corrupt out of their seats in big institutions. Think about it Reid, the perfect country where everyone was accountable for their actions. Everything will be fair. Why wouldn't you want that?" The woman asked with a Cheshire smile on her face.

Her face portrayed a sense of evil but Reid knew somewhere very, very deep inside she was still the woman he knew from a while ago.

"Because you know that is unachievable and so do I. Why have you changed so much?" Reid asked. His voice was interested, sad and slightly annoyed.

"Because I realised you can't change the world without power and the power all across the world is corrupt. I didn't want to be just another cog in that huge machine. The machine which is so corrupt that the people with the power can get away with anything including the murder of innocents. Did you know the President has the power to kill anybody he wants to regardless of whether or not they did anything wrong? Personally I think the people should know. The people deserve that. I want to change the world for the better and the only way I can ever do that is by doing this." Prentiss said as she pulled out a mobile phone, typed in a number, and said "Now,"

Reid watched as the building, which he used to call his apartment, burst into flames. He didn't realise he had closed his eyes till the woman elbowed him in the ribs which made him cringe and whisper "Ow,"

"Well at least you're alive," She said. Reid opened his eyes and realised he wasn't in front of his apartment building anymore.

The car was moving. "Where are we going?" Reid asked quietly. He knew any kindness he knew of her was gone. All he could see was pure evil. He really didn't like it.

"To where you make your decision!" She said as the car pulled up to an empty piece of land.

It was nowhere near any busy road or busy destination. It was like a horror movie destination. An empty field in the middle of nowhere, it definitely a place you would expect a fight against the main character and the monster or murderer.

"Glissez-le au milieu du terrain," She said as one of the bodyguards grabbed Reid by his wrists and dragged him to the middle of the field. The woman walked slowly behind Reid as he was being dragged to the middle of the big field.

It was quite ominous that she was so gracious yet so evil. It was a little bit like Hannibal Lecter before he ate a victim. There was so little remorse yet so much elegance. It shouldn't be possible but it was. It was a little bit sexy too.

The bodyguards let Reid down as the woman spoke "So, have you made your choice, Dr Reid? You have seen how powerful I am. You have seen what I can do. You have seen what I do and that I don't care who I hurt. So what side of me do you want to be on? The good side, or the bad?" The woman said seriously.

"Will you really hurt me Prentiss?" Reid replied.

"Who said I hadn't already?" The woman replied as smiled.

**Glissez-le au milieu du terrain means drag him to the middle of the field in French according to google translate. Please vote in my poll on my profile. I need an answer to write the next I have written a elementary/Criminal Minds Crossover so if you want to read it, it's called My Savior.**


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